How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

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The classic text on human relations. There’s nothing in here you haven’t heard of, but it’s a great reminder of the best ways to connect with people.

Five Sentence Summary

Human relations are best described in the idea that at their most primal level, people want to feel important, people want to believe their way of operating is correct, and people want to feel their actions and ideas are their own. We can leverage these primal desires in winning friends, negotiating and persuading others, and leading groups of people to execute on a common goal. The best way to make others feel important is to greet them with enthusiasm, remember their name, their interests, their desires, and their problems, and to show them genuine appreciation. To change someone's way of operating, we must see from their point of view their true desire, and gracefully convince them that another way is in their best interest. To win the agreement of another, we must disarm their defensiveness and align their self-identity with this new way of thinking.

One Page Summary

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

Don't criticize, condemn, or complain
Show genuine and sincere appreciation to others
Arouse in the other person an eager want

Six Ways to Make People Like You

Dealing with others comes down to recognizing that at their deepest level, people want to feel important and distinguished, to feel successful relative to their peers, and to believe their self-identity is of high quality.
Making a positive initial impression (smiling, greeting with enthusiam).
Making them feel important (remembering their name, remembering and questioning their interests, showing appreciation for their actions).
Allowing them to talk (listening, asking questions that get them to expand on their interests). This is best done by limiting talking about yourself.

How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

When trying to win other's to our way of thinking, our primary goal is to prevent the other person from getting on the defensive. When a person is strongly attached to their point of view, they are defending their self-esteem more than anything else. Our goal is to disarm their defensiveness.
The best way to do this first is to avoid arguments. But sometimes they are inevitable. So we must employ techniques to ease them into believing our point of view is in their best interest.
We must never explicitly say the other person is wrong. We should start any negotiation or argument in a friendly way, pointing to all of the areas where they might be correct. We must put ourselves in their shoes, identify what their true desire is in the argument, and let them talk themselves out about it.
Once we know their true desire, we can guide them to seeing that our way of thinking is better for this desire than theirs. It is then inevitable that they will agree.
Once we have gotten close to convincing them that our way of thinking is superior, we can drive the point home by making NOT thinking our way incongruent with their self-identity, dramatizing our ideas to arouse excitement, or throw down a challenge that causes competition with oneself in the execution of the new idea.

Be A Leader: Hw to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

The difference between winning others to your way of thinking and leadership is subtle. The only real difference is the power dynamic through which our tactics are employed. Our goal is still to disarm the individual and disconnect their way of thinking and acting from a hardened self-identity.
Leadership comes down to guiding a group of individuals to execute cooperatively towards a common goal. The majority of leadership is then gracefully correcting the course of the individuals whom have strayed from the cooperative path.
To call to attention this straying, it is important to again disarm the individual. We do this by starting by praising what they have done well. We then are sure to call to mind their actions indirectly, making sure we do not contradict our initial appreciation. We can drive home the point by comparing our past failures and eventual improvements with theirs, assuring them we are not being hypercritical.
To get other's to take action down the cooperatively successful path, we want them to believe they are doing it on their own accord. We are careful to ask suggestive questions instead of giving direct orders. We are sure to never publicly embarrass or call to attention the wrongdoings in a public setting.
Once the individual has begun acting in the correct way, we must be sure to bring them great encouragement, drive home that this new way of operating is something they must keep up to preserve their identity, and use encouragement that any slip ups can be eventually corrected.

BOOK — How to Win Friends and Influence People

Part One — Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1 — “If You Want to Gather honey, Don’t Kick Over the Beehive”

Principle 1 — Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself
Author has an affinity for Abraham Lincoln
“Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof, when your own doorstep is unclean”
“I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody” — Ben Franklin

2 — The Big Secret of Dealing with People

Principle 2 — Give constant and sincere appreciation
“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
Go out of your way to express appreciation and sincere gratitude to those you encounter on a daily basis, especially those that are often under appreciated
Be careful not to shower flattery — flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself
We would think we committed a crime had we let our family go for six days without food — but we would often go for six weeks months or years without giving heart appreciation

3 — He Who Can Do This Has the Whole World with Him. He Who Cannot Walks a Lonely Way

Principle 3 — Arouse in the other person an eager want
Empathy is fundamental when trying to convince another person to do what you wish
“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own”

Part Two — Six Ways to Make People Like You

1 — Do This and You’ll Be Welcome Anywhere

Principle 1: Become Genuinely Interested in Other People
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you
It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring
Teddy Roosevelt — greeted his staff, the smallest man on the totem pole, by first name and with great enthusiasm

2 — A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression

Principle 2 — Smile.
“The expression one wears on one’s face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one’s back”
Smiling on the phone — your voice and positivity radiate
Eliminating criticism and smiling more — two immediate hacks to improve your happiness
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so” — Shakespeare
"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be" — Abe Lincoln

3 — If You Don’t Do This, You Are Headed for Trouble

Principle 3 — Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
Jim Farley could call 50,000 people by their first name. Every time he met a person, he fixed the picture, name, and details firmly in his mind about the person
Most people don’t remember names for the simple reason that they don’t take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeating fix names indelibly in their minds
FDR — took the time to remember and recall even the names of mechanics with whom he came in contact with
Napoleon — would be sure to get the name clearly and if it was a difficult one, would ask how it was spelled

4 — An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist

Principle 4 — Be a Good Listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves
“Harty in my approbation and lavish in my praise” — Ben Franklin
Nothing is as flattering than exclusive attention to a person in conversation
“Many persons call a doctor when all they want is an audience”
To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions the other persons will enjoy answering, and encourage them to talk about themselves.

5 — How to Interest People

Principle 5 — Talk in terms of the other person’s interests

6 — How to Make People Like You Instantly

Principle 6 — Make the other person feel important, and do so sincerely
Using things like “I’m so sorry to trouble you..” or “Would you be so kind as to ...” puts the ball in their court to do so
“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
Making the other person feel empowered and important in any situation

Part Three — How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1— You Can’t Win an Argument

Principle 1 — The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
“I appointed myself as an unsolicited and unwelcome committee of one to correct him.” — how often do you do this? Sometimes its more entertaining to let people believe they are right and not look to convince them otherwise
Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right
“A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still”
“Here lies the body of William Jay, who died maintaining his right of way, he was right, dead right, as he sped along, but he’s just as dead as if he were wrong”

2 — A Sure Way of Making Enemies — and How to Avoid It

Principle 2 — Show respect for the other person’s opinions — never say “you’re wrong”
Powerful tactics — when you know someone is wrong but wan’t to disarm their defensiveness
- “Well, look. I thought otherwise but may be completely wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts”
Story of the drapes -> one says they are overpriced and you go on the defensive, the other compliments them and you say you believe you’ve overpaid. It’s rarely the actual opinion you believe in but in reality your dignity and self-consciousness
Few people like to listen to truths that reflect on their judgement
Ben Franklin — removed dogmatic opinions using “certainly, undoubtedly, etc” which allowed him to approach disagreement with the same disarmament a tactic above — “no dogmatical expression in fifty years”

3 — If You’re Wrong, Admit It

Principle 3 — If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
“There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of gilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error”
By immediately admitting you are incorrect — when you certainly are — you disarm them of their power and their only way to feel important is to end up defending you.
When we are wrong, if we are honest with ourselves, let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm

4 — A Drop of Honey

Principle 4 — Begin in a friendly way
Story of the Sun and the Wind — the wind tries to blow the man’s coat off via a tornado, while the Sun simply happily shined down on the man
Dealing with anyone — first start with friendliness.
“A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall”

5 — The Secret of Socrates

Principle 5 — Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immdiately
When someone says no, all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself
To will someone into your way of thinking, you cannot let them get on the defensive.

6 — The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints

Principle 6 — Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
“Because when our friends excel us, they feel important; but when we excel them, they—or at least some of them — will feel inferior and envious”
Before you meet with anyone, seek to find out their accomplishments. Few things people like more than talking about their journey, their accomplishments, etc.

7 — How to Get Cooperation

Principle 7 — Let the other person feel that the idea is theirs
“So the sage, wishing to be above men, put himself below them; wishing to be before them; put himself behind them”
“In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty”
Selling someone to something — “We are aware they are not perfect, so we should be deeply obligated to hear your feedback and work closely with you”

8 — A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You

Principle 8 — Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view
"Stop a minute to contrast your keen interest in your own affairs with your mild concern about anything else. Realize then, that everybody else in the world feels exactly the same way!"

9 — What Everybody Wants

Principle 9 — Be sympathetic with other person's ideas and desires
I don't blame you one bit for feeling as you do. If I were you, I would undoubtedly feel just as you do
Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them and they will love you
Sympathy, the human species universally craves ... Self pity for misfortunes, real or imaginary, is a universal practice
Apologize and sympathize with the other person's point of view in a dispute

10 — An Appeal That Everybody Likes

Principle 10 — Appeal to Nobler Motives
"All people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be in fine and unselfish in their own estimation"
When trying to get someone to do something, appeal to their own perceptions of their nobility, calling it into question if they were to continue to act as they have
Story of the rent collector — "I have sized you up as a man of your word.. if you are to come to me Friday with your decision, I will accept it as final and let you go on your way. I will also admit to myself I have been wrong in my judgement of you. But I still believe you're a man of your word and will live up to your contract"

11 — The Movies Do it. TV Does It. Why Don’t You Do It?

Principle 11 — Dramatize your ideas
To gain other's approval of your idea, sometimes it must be presented in a way that breaks their usual way of thinking and perceiving

12 — When Nothing Else Works, Try This

Principle 12 — Throw down a challenge
"All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory"
Every successful person loves the game, the chance of self expression, the chance to everyday prove his or her worth

Part Four — Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

1— If You Must Find Fault, This is the Way to Begin

Principle 1 — Begin with praise and honest appreciation
When finding fault in someone else, first call to mind the many things they are doing well
A barber lathers a mans head before he shaves it — that's how you go about handle someone else doing something wrong

2 — How to Criticize — and Not Be Hated for It

Principle 2 — Call to mind other's mistakes indirectly
When criticizing, do compliment and follow up with "but" as this negates the compliment. Instead, join it with "and" like "and we know if you put a bit more effort in ..."

3 — Talk About Your Own Mistakes First

Principle 3 — Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
"I could be wrong as I most often am..." from earlier. Or I have messed this this and this up many times, blah blah blah.

4 — No One Likes to Take Orders

Principle 4 — Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
"Do you think this might work better?" "Have you thought of adding this or adding that"

5 — Let the Other Person Save Face

Principle 5 — Let the other person save face
When someone has messed up, it is inappropriate to shame them in front of the entire group. Similarly, you want to point out their mistake but make not connection to the character or person. You want to detach the mistake from them so they feel they are able to fix it.

6 — How to Spur People On to Success

Principle 6 — Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.
Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.
One of our least utilized power is the ability to praise people and inspire them with a realization of their latent potential.

7 — Give a Dog a Good Name

Principle 7 — Give the other person a reputation to live up to
"I know you are the type of person that does XYZ..."

8 — Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct

Principle 8 — Use encouragement, make the change seem easy to make
Inspiring someone from the beginning that they are a natural ability or are going to be such a success is a self-fulfilling prophecy

9 — Making People Glad to Do What You Want

Principle 9 — Make the other person happy about what you want to get done
You have to phrase the question in a way that makes it in their best interest to do the thing

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